Inventor: Ronald G. Chang
Patent number: 5063376
Filing date: May 5, 1989
Issue date: Nov 5, 1991

All this talk about the iPad has me scratching my head… There’s been a ton of nifty inventions that have {so far} failed to take off. Why am I using a keyboard when I could by typing on my mouse? As Apple strips the mouse back to a smooth curved Magic Mouse and replaces keyboards with multi-touch LCD’s… …aren’t we losing something? Clunky buttons, wires & 8-bit graphics…

Inventor: Otto Schuller
Patent number: 3139622
Filing date: Apr 17, 1961
Issue date: Jul 1964

The cost of space exploration is a complicated subject; with a 2010 budget of almost $18 billion many argue that money would be better spent right here on the big blue marble for medical research, social programs, finding solutions to poverty, hunger and homelessness. Meanwhile Professor Stephen Hawking is worried about contact with aliens leading to the raiding of planet earth for precious resources and moving on. “If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn’t turn out well for the Native Americans.”  Hawking realizes the need to explore space for the future of humanity but envisages a long-term space exploration project starting with building an experimental base on the moon within 30 years, and devising a new propulsion system to take us on a planetary hunt outside our solar system in 200-500 years.

Inventor: James C. Asher
Patent number: 4349708
Filing date: Aug 22, 1979
Issue date: Sep 14, 1982

Back in the day it was fun but simple. The mighty Atari 2600, myself and my brother played ours so much we destroyed the joystick! After the stick snapped off we ripped out the chipboard, used it like a joypad and went right on playing; Centipede, Yars’ Revenge and Ms. Pacman. Yars’ Revenge, the most popular original-concept Atari game ever, was insane! A droning industrial soundtrack grates in the background while a swirling symbol is fired at you. One word comes to mind when I play it now; evil! Oddly enough the killer swirl looks not unlike a Nazi Swastika, so much so that eBay refuses to list the game fearing it contains Nazi Propaganda. Atari games had great playability but you needed a good imagination to fill in the graphics; In a distant galaxy the civilization known as the Yars were attacked by the fierce Qotiles. Though badly damaged, the Yars’ fought back using their mechanical ships that look like giant metal insects. Years later I managed to complete Centipede, game just starts again!

Inventor: Wesley K. Johnson
Patent number: RE39371
Filing date: Feb 21, 2003
Issue date: Oct 31, 2006

Hey, you ever been down to the strip club? I said you ever been down the strip club? If you want to avoid a sticky situation next time, how’s about bringing a Lap Dance Liner with you. It’s a combination pouch and underwear worn by a man for facilitating sexual activity such as lap dancing. The pouch is worn over the sex organs of a man under the underwear pant, which is adapted by an elastic waistband for compressively pinning the pouch in place. Nasty!

Inventor: Tinker L. Hatfield
Assignees: Nike, Inc., Nike International Ltd.
Patent number: D324129 / D329126
Filing date: Apr 6, 1990

Self Drying Jackets, Self Tying Sneakers, Hoverboards; back in ‘89 every kid wanted Marty McFly’s Power Lace kicks. In ‘90 Nike International Ltd. went ahead and patented the design but it took almost 20 years and a massive internet campaign to get Nike moving. Summer 2008 saw the release of the Nike McFly 2015. Although they’re based on the original they have one major flaw; no air-pressurized auto-lacing! The shoes are basically a mashup of Marty’s sneaker and Kobe Bryant’s Hyperdunks which is cool, but kinda lame too. 350 pairs were originally released with prices between $600 and $2,000 I’m going to hold off till 2015 for the real deal. On the plus side you can get your Hoverboard now!

Inventors: Charles G. Shepard & Peter Adams Jr.
Patent number: 255090
Filing date: Feb 4, 1882
Issue date: Mar 1882

A haunting patent from 1882. This design for a money box that eats your coins actually went on to be produced and marketed as child’s toy ‘Greedy Nigger Boy’. Although the unique part of the patent is the lever operating the hand, making it seem as if the figure is eating each coin, the illustration still depicts racial stereotypes with crudely exaggerated features. Shepard & Adams are the real greedy boys here, happy to make money by maintaing racist ideologies.

Inventor: Donald L. Allewalt
Patent number: 5619750
Filing date: Dec 4, 1995
Issue date: Apr 15, 1997

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on. He took a face from the ancient gallery and he walked on down the hall… This patent claims to be for an eyes-ears-nose protector includes eye-glasses with attached nose protector to protect simultaneously the nose, eyes, and ears from direct and side excessive sunlight. But the model looks more like an unstoppable cyborg assassin who has been sent back from the future by a collective of artificially intelligent computer-controlled machines bent on the extermination of the human race! Don’t cha’ think?

Inventor: Anson Mills
Patent number: 193342
Filing date: Jul 10, 1877
Issue date: Jul 1877

I got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle. This handsome illustration comes from the wild west and is for a patent by lieutenant colonel Anson Mills of the United States Army. Spurs are worn by cowboys to control horses. The rowels are used to dig into the sides of the horse to aid in steering the steed in conjunction with the tack and reins. Generally spurs have rowels that are round and blunt by design, however the more fancy custom made spurs which feature pointed star rowels can hurt the horse.

Inventor: Charles Miller
Patent number: 258243
Filing date: Jan 10, 1882
Issue date: May 23, 1882

Mamma Mia! That’s a spicy meatball… Mustache Guard patents are always fun and popular here at the desk. They seem like quaint relics from a bygone era when men took care of grooming with great pride… …and when you’ve spent the time this gentleman has working on your facial hair the last thing you want is to get Minestrone soup on your lip tickler!

Previous mustache post: Mustache Guard

Inventors: Giorgetto Giugiaro / John Z. DeLorean
Assignee: Delorean Motor Company
Patent number: D283882 / 4378658
Filing date: Jun 12, 1981 / Feb 4, 1981
Issue date: May 20, 1986 / Apr 5, 1983

Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads! Stainless steel, gull-wing doors, grey hair, drug trafficking, 88 mph… All the stuff of legend. John Z. DeLorean was a fascinating but ultimately flawed man. He said he had more than 200 patents including designs for tennis rackets and monorails. Every car built in the world today contains at least one of his creations. Brash and charismatic he left behind a successful career with General Motors to form his own DeLorean Motor Company (DMC) in 1974. The company would only produce one car before collapsing, however the DMC-12 was an instant classic and it’s influence would ripple throughout history.

Designed by Italdesign’s Giorgetto Giugiaro. The car entered into production as the DMC-12, but is generally known as the DeLorean. A stainless steel body, gull-wing doors. and the “Douvrin” V6 engine set it apart. The manufacturing plant to build the new car was built in Dunmurry, Northern Ireland, with substantial financial incentives from the Northern Ireland Development Agency of around £100 million. A great boost to a troubled Northern Ireland, the factory employed over 2000 workers from early 1981, but by February 1982 the company was in receivership. It turned out around 9,000 cars over 21 months before the British government ordered its closure in November 1982.

From the mid 80’s onward things got messy for DeLorean becoming involved in a bizarre cocaine bust that involved the FBI and Larry Flynt. DeLorean successfully defended himself with a procedural defense, arguing that the police had asked him to supply the money to buy the cocaine. His attorney stated in Time, “This was a fictitious crime. Without the government, there would be no crime.” The DeLorean defense team did not call any witnesses. DeLorean was found not guilty due to entrapment on August 16, 1984. The car is of course fondly remembered today as the Time Machine from Back To The Future.