Inventor: William J. Westerman
Patent number: 4089542
Filing date: Aug 16, 1976
Issue date: May 16, 1978

It’s a romantic life but sometimes you feel like one of those clipper ship captains; married to the sea. You’ve been out for a long time. Days of horizons, stormy weather and horse masks begin to take their toll and you start thinking of dry land again. Not even your fisherman’s ‘Swiss Army Knife’ can cheer you up with it’s light, magnifying glass and clock. It’s time to come back ashore.

Inventor: William J. Westerman
Patent number: 4089542
Filing date: Aug 16, 1976
Issue date: May 16, 1978

Check it out. This is like something out of Magnum P.I. Season 1. What colour do you think would look good? Salmon pink? Pastel green? Neon blue? Makes me want to become a private deceive and travel around solving crimes in my fold up car. Then back to the truck for more adventure!

Inventor: Irma J. Luque
Patent number: 4974761
Filing date: May 10, 1989
Issue date: Dec 4, 1990

When it comes to gambling it takes dedication, commitment and total concentration. You don’t need anything getting in the way of your big break. You chomp on your cigar and skillfully pump quarters into the one armed bandit, you’re a winner! That’s where the slot bag comes in. Pop your coin cup in there and work away. As video arcade magnate Noah Vanderhoff said “kids know dick. I watch ‘em in my arcades. They stand like laboratory rats hitting the feeder bar to get a food pellet. But as long as they keep pumping in the quarters, who gives a shit, right?”

Inventor: Russell M. Stanley
Patent number: 2613667
Filing date: Aug 8, 1951
Issue date: Oct 1952

The nails of primates and the hooves of running mammals evolved from the claws of reptiles and serve a multitude of functions including climbing, digging, and fighting! So like I go into this like salon place, y’know… and I wanted like to get my toenails done… and the lady like goes, oh my God! Your toenails are like so GRODY… It was like really embarrassing. She’s like OH MY GOD! Like BAG THOSE TOENAILS! I’m like sure… She goes, uh, I don’t know if I can handle this, y’know… I was like really embarrassed… Barf out, gag me with a spoon!

Inventor: Julius L. Wolf
Patent number: 1713584
Filing date: Jan 14, 1928
Issue date: May 1929

I find this sad and intriguing. Julius Wolf’s patent for a novelty display for neckware, handkerchiefs and other articles of apparel and merchandise comes from a bygone era. The end of the Roaring Twenties and the beginning of the Great Depression. A time when kids knew how to dress. Such a good boy, such a good boy… Puttin’ on the Ritz? (Fig. 6)

Inventors: Thomas T. Washington, Sr.
Patent number: D401202
Filing date: Feb 20, 1998
Issue date: Nov 17, 1998

I don’t care if it rains or freezes, ‘long as I’ve got my plastic Jesus, sitting on the dashboard of my car. Comes in colors pink and pleasant, glows in the dark cause it’s iridescent. Take it with you when you travel far. Okay, let get spiritual-minded! Have you ever heard of Rolling for Jesus? Their mission is to reach the unreached through the ministry of ‘Sign boards’ and ‘Gospel Tracts’. The ministry is specifically focused to reach people who neither attend the church regularly nor are interested in knowing the way of God through any medium. In reaching this neglected lot, “Rolling for Jesus” ministry was launched. God’s Word is spread via sign boards on moving vehicles and gospel tracts distribution on street corners of different cities. They need to put a bulk order in now! With the praying hands hood ornament they can’t fail.

Inventor: Curtis B. Bascom
Patent number: US 2005 / 0097655 A1
Issue date: Jul 14, 2004

Hulkamania is over tough guy and ponytails are out! Wikipedia says ‘In the late 1980’s, a short ponytail was seen as an edgy, “in-your-face” look for men who wanted to stand out from the crowd, but keep their hair flat and functional. Steven Seagal’s ponytail in “Marked for Death” is an example of such’… In-your-face? The whole thing reeks of yuppie… Anyway, sometimes you just want to wear a brimless lined elastic head covering and watch monster truck.

Inventor: Aaron Powell
Patent number: 4130951
Filing date: Sep 9, 1977
Issue date: Dec 26, 1978

From September 1977, the year Disco peaked with the release of Saturday Night Fever. Aaron Powell’s dancing shoes with flashing lights and translucent name label were perfect for the self-absorbed, status-obsessed disco boy. Leave his hair alone, but you can kiss his comb.

Inventor: Joseph E. Johnston
Assignees: Lucasfilm, Ltd.
Patent number: D277214 / D277215
Filing date: Sep 30, 1982
Issue date: Jan 15, 1985

Back in the day there used to be two types of kids; those who played with their Star Wars figures and those who blew them up! The Kenner toy company produced and sold over 300 million Star Wars action figures between 1977 and 1984, most of which have long since been blown up or chewed to bits by the dog…

Ewoks are everybody’s favorite fictional species of space-teddy-bear-like-hunter-gatherers that inhabit the forest moon of Endor, a tribe of primitive creatures that bring down the technological Empire. The Ewok are named after the Miwok, a Native American tribe indigenous to the Redwood forest in which the Endor scenes were filmed for Return of the Jedi… …and they love to drink and moonwalk!

Inventor: Oskar Uxa
Patent number: 2620061
Filing date: Oct 14, 1949
Issue date: Dec 1952

Curtis Allina, the man who put heads on Pez passed away recently aged 87. Patent numbers play an important role in the serious world of Pez collecting. Located on the bottom left side of the dispenser the patent number can be used to determine how old the dispenser is.

Pez was invented in 1927 in Vienna, Austria by Edward Haas III. Hass intended Pez to be an adult breath mint and an alternative to smoking, the first Pez dispenser from 1947 was designed to resemble a cigarette lighter. If your new year resolution is to give up smoking I’m not sure Pez works… …but Edarem says sunflower seeds do!

Inventors: Bruce L. Johnston, Bill D. Raines
Patent number: 4409695
Filing date: Jul 7, 1981
Issue date: Oct 18, 1983

Wesley Willis was right: ‘McDonalds will make you fat. They serve Big Macs. They serve Quarter-Pounders. They will put pounds on you’… It’s the new year! Christmas is over and I’m sure we all over did it just a little… Don’t lie to me butterbean! Mince pies, pudding, stuffing and gallons of booze. But this year is going to be different… …no messing about, I’m serious, your serious, let’s get busy, feel the burn, push it to the limit, let’s do this… Have a Scanwitch!

Inventor: Tai-Ning Tang
Patent number: 6053798
Filing date: Aug 26, 1998
Issue date: Apr 25, 2000

This chipper little guy knocks the socks off most carol singers. He was born like this, he had no choice, he was born with the gift of a mono-brow, cheeky tongue and a golden voice…

Inventor: Patricia Sessum O’Donnell
Patent number: 5957401
Filing date: Jun 23, 1998
Issue date: Sep 28, 1999

Christmas is here… …and between watching Trading Places and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation you’re probably busy decorating the house much like this guy… Pretty cool hair and a can do chipper attitude, not sure what he’s going to do with the ladder though, he looks about 7 foot tall and he’s got some reach with those arms! You’re going to have to work pretty hard to keep up with this guy!

Inventor: Basimah Khulusi
Patent number: 6386701
Filing date: Apr 3, 2001
Issue date: May 14, 2002

No more computer vision syndrome, you can now spend days on end surfing the internet without ever having to take a break… …gambling, porning, social networking, you name it! Computer vision syndrome (CVS) is a condition resulting from focusing the eyes on a computer screen for way too long… …causing your eyes to dry out, headaches, blurred vision, neck pain, fatigue, eye strain, dry, irritated eyes and difficulty refocusing… …but hey, when you look this cool who cares, right!

Inventors: Len-Sun Lai
Patent number: 6179088
Filing date: Mar 31, 1998
Issue date: Jan 30, 2001

Hey, lets go get some conveyor belt sushi… Miniature wooden “sushi boats” traveling small canals bring us value-minded consumers delicious treats! We don’t have time for a leisurely meal and we don’t want any leftovers! Small portions please…

From Wikipedia: Conveyor belt sushi was invented by Yoshiaki Shiraishi (1914-2001), who had problems staffing his small sushi restaurant and had difficulties managing the restaurant by himself. He got the idea of a conveyor belt sushi after watching beer bottles on a conveyor belt in an Asahi brewery. After five years of development, including the design of the conveyor belt and the speed of operations, Shiraishi opened the first conveyor belt sushi Mawaru Genroku Sushi in Osaka in 1958, quickly creating a chain of 240 restaurants all over Japan. However, the number of restaurants was down to 11 in 2001. Shiraishi also invented a robotic sushi, served by robots, but this idea has not had commercial success.